One of the most common words associated with motherhood is guilt. From the moment I became a mother, I found myself constantly torn between what I should be doing and what I wanted to do. It was always an internal battle against the feeling of mom guilt for wanting things outside of my caregiving role. At thirty-six, after spending eleven years in my career as a fashion stylist, I expected motherhood to fit seamlessly into my life. What a shock and surprise I was to find the opposite.
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An honest conversation on mom guilt
Even after three months of bed rest, I felt like a stranger to my little one. We hadn’t shared any bonding moments or experiences. He couldn’t even smile at me yet. My work was on hold, my life slowed down, and I was expected to fill the gap in my eleven-year career by caring for my baby 24 hours a day. It was a challenging change, and the guilt of not feeling completely satisfied with motherhood was weighing on me.
Recently, I came across some very honest articles on mom guilt. One of the articles that affected me the most was the following: Objective Magazine,
“Becoming a mother can feel like becoming a different person, when all you want to do is be the same woman you worked so hard to be.”
Since it seems like every woman on earth, myself included, suffers from an endless cycle of mom guilt, I reached out to Dr. Sarah Oreck, M.D., M.S., to get her professional opinion on how to define mom guilt, who it affects, and how to manage it. Ahead, we’ll discuss all things mom guilt—including how to break out of the negative thinking cycle and step into your identity with joy.
Sarah Oreck, MD
Sarah Oreck, M.D., M.S., is a Columbia University-trained psychiatrist who focuses on women’s mental health. She runs a private practice in which she combines the most modern medical treatments with talk therapy, meditation, and a whole-body complementary approach. Dr. Oreck has a passion for teaching and regularly lectures at Cedars Sinai Hospital, UCLA, and the Providence Hospital system in addition to her media work.
How do you define mom guilt?
Mom guilt is the feeling of inadequacy and shame that mothers feel when they feel they are not able to raise their children properly. It stems from unrealistic expectations about what motherhood should be like.
These feelings can be exacerbated by portrayals of ideal motherhood on social media and can have a significant impact on a mother’s mental health, leading to anxiety, depression, and long-term stress. Addressing mom guilt involves recognizing these unrealistic expectations, fostering self-compassion, and seeking support when needed.
How common is mom guilt?
Mom guilt is very common and many women experience it. It arises from the pressure to meet societal expectations of ideal motherhood and the challenges of balancing different responsibilities.
As a fertility psychiatrist, I often see moms feeling guilty about not spending enough time with their babies, struggling with work-life balance, or comparing themselves to others. Understanding that these feelings are common can help moms practice self-compassion and seek support if needed, knowing they are not alone in this experience.
Tips for dealing with mom guilt
- Be patient with yourself. Embracing motherhood takes time and making mistakes is part of the journey. Be kind and gentle with yourself – just as you are with your children.
- Don’t compare yourself to other moms. Everyone becomes a parent differently and has different circumstances. Focus on what works best for you and your family.
- Ask for help when you need it. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from your partner, family, friends, or a professional.
- Take care of yourself. Get enough sleep, eat healthy foods, and keep your body active. Taking care of yourself will help you be a better mom.
In addition to Dr. Oreck’s insights, I wanted to share some tips that have personally helped me in my experience battling mom guilt. Intentionally defining my values as a mom was key. It helped me get clear on the things I needed and wanted to do as a mom and let go of external pressures that didn’t suit me.
I’ve also learned to prioritize having a quality relationship with my children. This has helped me focus my energy and feel like I’m giving enough to others while also maintaining a strong relationship with myself.
When should you seek help dealing with mom guilt?
If your feelings of guilt are interfering with your ability to be a parent or enjoy your life, you should seek professional help. Notice if you are feeling overwhelmed, hopeless, or developing symptoms of depression or anxiety. It is possible that you have thoughts of self-harm or feel that life is not worth living or that you have a history of mental health problems. A therapist can help you understand the root of your guilt and develop healthy coping mechanisms. They can also provide you with support and guidance to overcome your guilt.
conclusion
Motherhood is a journey that is best traveled with support. Don’t hesitate to seek out the resources you need to make this experience even more enjoyable. Through my writing, I have realized that motherhood is not a journey that is the same for everyone, and the expectations placed on mothers are often unrealistic.
By sharing our truths, we can empower the next generation of mothers so they can be heard, feel safe, and be open to shaping their own versions of motherhood. This authenticity helps us move beyond the unrealistic fantasies we are often judged by and compared to.
Post Mom guilt is more common than you think—a doctor shares tips for overcoming it first appeared on Camille Styles,
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